just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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