i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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