My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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