someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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