God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
