ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
