She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
