you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
