the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
