I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
