get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
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