Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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