Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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