Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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