I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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