ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
me + whiskey = a bad person
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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