U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
