thus making me awesome and them whores
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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