I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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