His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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