She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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