just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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