haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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