I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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