I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
