My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
