i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize