I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
