She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
