I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
