well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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