I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
