I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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