what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
