Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize