Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
