did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
