did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
