Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
