At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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