who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize