Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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