the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
