dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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