i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
a search helicopter?!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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