i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
