I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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