Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
