we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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