The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
