She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
