can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
