Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
