In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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