I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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