what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
