I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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