What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
