When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
