Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize